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theme song for this hell-ish week. i was listening to this and someone asked me if my cell phone was ringing. pshhh.

i love how much heart he puts into his performance...


ETA: for the people thinking, WTF is this music....a trailer for a documentary that discusses this genre...p4ktv was airing it for free awhile back...but i don't think it's online anymore.

it's been too long. here's a list of things that are new:

1) i graduated. it was great. i guess. i feel numb about the whole experience. i miss everyone.
2) still at notre dame, doing research and working for money. i need it for grad school.
3) randomly, i ended up starting to get to know a guy who i thought hated me. apparently, he does not. we're dating now. and he's adorable. his classics major comes in handy for finding the basis of all that psychoanalytic stuff. and lying around listening to stories of greek tragedy is great too. i don't have to read primary texts!
4) too bad i won't get to do that again until...who knows when. long distance sucks.
5) knott hall is so awesome. air conditioning!
6) i found a cord that connects my keyboard to my computer. wooo making electronic music with a midi controller. although i suck at it...
7) june. i turn 22 next month.
8) compiling that top albums list, thanks andrew for the inspiration. such a daunting task. do i make the list based on my emotional attachment or the musicality of the record? or, is it impossible to separate the two? probably the latter point.
9) going to pitchfork again.
10) the seattle scene doesn't seem so dead anymore. bought a couple of albums from the area, and seriously loving truckasauras, j. tillman, the blakes, black eyes and neckties, and joshua morrison.
11) still bumming about missing those washington music festivals. im probably going to cry when the decibel lineup comes out...although, it might be difficult to battle last year's.

my undergraduate career is pretty much over. i still have to turn in a final copy of my thesis, and once that is in, and perfected, it really is over.

what do i plan on doing before commencement? enjoy the time i have left with the people that have inspired me. a few of them have left, and i've told them how much i'm going to miss them and the fun times...and it's felt bittersweet. i'm sad to leave them, but i'm optimistic about the future. beautiful things lie ahead for them. and for myself.

this week, i plan on going to the beach almost everyday with my favorite people here. i plan on reading many books that my friends have recommended (and it's an eclectic mix, too, ive got recommendations from computer scientist geeks, english nerds, social scientist freaks, and social justice fanatics). i hope to dance like crazy, and bum around my crappy, ghetto house for the last time with my amazing roommates (who i can't imagine living without, now!).

also, i have a research crunch. i'm so lucky to actually extend my senior thesis into something more, something concrete. instead of sitting in the lab, conceptualizing, or sitting in my advisor's office, running statistical analyses, i get to interact with the older adult population. and maybe even test my hypotheses in real time, instead of retrospective survey data. and that's exciting.

so, this week, while i intend to have fun and enjoy the company of my dearest friends and family in the area, i also have to do research. and i'm remaining optimistic about this fact. this is my career, and it doesn't stop because i'm graduating. i just have to fit both loves in. and once graduation is over, i will spend the next 3 months here, engaged in more research!

someone on my friends list posted a meme about drawing yourself in your teens and comparing it to now, and i thought it so relevant to now and the relationship (or whatever you call it, it's difficult to define deep connections with distance impeding on them) that i'm in now. i'm not that 14 year old girl who secretly wanted to be musical for the rest of her life. i still live by nietzsche's principles of creating, i appreciate music more than ever, and still create stuff from time to time, but it's not my only passion. i spend far more time thinking about scientific inquiry and human behavior. and the fact that i'm not the same 14 year old girl is affecting things right now. because i don't want to be her.

i wish i had her idealism and her guts, but that's about it.

back to the reading and the conceptualizing. i think i'm going to invest in a huge white board for my efficiency apartment in minnesota. and i can do modelling, there! because carolina, this is your life. to be as miserable yet happy as the people in PhD comics. and you're there, now.

i am hopeful for the future.

maybe it's because listening to ambient gives you that sort of feeling, or it's because i feel incredibly loved.

http://science.slashdot.org/science/08/04/20/1640237.shtml

google is in yr space, taking over yr life. and now, they'll have your DNA to make copies of you.

just kidding about that last part. but still, years ago, i thought, google, you are too awesome. you own. but now, google, you scare me. because someday, you're going to own everything.

watch, i'll be sitting in my house, and larry page's guys will come and get me and be like, "i own your house now. and we made this open-source carolina clone to dwell in it. we don't need you, anymore."

and i'll be so confused.

the music geeks will understand:

i got to sing along to and play a steinway yesterday. and the sound sent shivers down my spine. it definitely beats my keyboard or what my keyboard thinks a grand piano sounds like.

results presentation was fantastic. now, i have to write 7-10 more pages on my thesis, and I'M DONE. what now, older adult volunteering and depression, and the social support systems and hardiness that mediates/moderates? i own you.

i feel like i've been knocking all the educational curve balls out of the park this week.

if only i could say the same about my future....

it will be figured out soon, yes? yes.

so, happiness check:
- music collaborators IN INDIANA. not in california. as much as i love working via e-mail, it's nice to work with people here. and did i say music collaborators? that's plural, kids!
- the kid down the hall played desmond dekker. did skanking happen on my part? yes. it did.
- thesis almost there... i can feel it.
- a sense of normalcy happens when you drink a beer (read: one) in siegfried with your (anti-social) friend on a thursday night. screw the normal nd scene of parties, legends, and bars when you have a lot of work. in fact, screw them altogether. i enjoy a good dance party, or an evening at a book store, or just my telescope in a corn field. or sex and the city with my roomies.
- music blogs that give me free music
- reading the first QUANTITATIVE study this week. i've had enough of case studies. give me the statistical complexities! regressions, structural equation modeling, even dynamical systems. give me a complex model that involves a lot of thinking about math (and psychopathology), and im happy.

gerontology lab, here i come!

eluvium is on my ipod, and i find out my results in two hours. im excited, but nervous. i really hope there's results, so i have something to work with this summer. or else i'm just going to be lost in research. and ill look like a fool when i present my results next month.

i talked to my mom and andy last night before i went to bed. andy is relocating to olympia in april, and they're both trying to convince me to go home for the summer, even if it's just for a month in august or september. i want to, because i want to catch up with EVERYONE, and mi amiga mejor is actually spending the summer at home (and it would be cool to watch her volunteer for the demo campaign and hit every concert possible), and my mom wants us to drive to california...

i shouldn't miss out on the fun, right? i would have fun in south bend, but it would be a different type of fun. a "wow, im getting stuff i like to do done" fun and i'll be making good money. who knows. we'll see how my future turns out in the next couple of months, and then we'll see if i can even afford a fun month or two.

it's 26 degrees outside. it looks nice outside, but they're just fooling me.
oh look, minus the bear is coming to legends. the memories of rocking out to them while driving down 1st ave for the five iron frenzy concert.  yeah, that was years ago. but it makes me smile to think about it.

here's rant on the tacoma scene. because its practically home. olympia and seattle, while near and dear to my heart, are small 15-30 minute commutes to not call my own.

okay, i loved the tacoma scene as a high schooler. it wasn't the best, but it had hidden gems. there was at least one decent concert/show to go to during the weekend in the area, and the people i've met were awesome. i still keep in touch with some of these cool cats.

 but wow, we've become a hotbed for metal and hardcore once i left for notre dame, haven't we, tacoma? hells kitchen used to have a little more diversity, but now its just metal and hardcore all the time. and now we're hosting rain fest, a festival dedicated to just that? tacoma, you can do better than this. you produced neko case. the ventures, even.

its not like im going to be there to suffer, anyway. but i still care, tacoma, i still care.
(here's hoping to the viaduct actually working out.)

in other news, kori from mates of state gets rid of the organ for the next album >_<, chris walla produces it  ^_^, and i'm feeling -_- about  how this album will sound.

/end rant

i love at the end of the books' the lemon of pink...he goes, "are we in major or minor, anyway?" it's very random. i haven't screamed on the top of the metaphorical roof for this album yet. but i like its chaos, its random speech, and the way it makes me contemplate. and the title..the lemon of pink...it reminds of synesthesia, because it associates a taste with color. oh tomlab, you may be edging polyvinyl for favorite record label. i guess your reign over jade tree might not last long, polyvinyl. release something that intrigues me!

so, new york city/toronto/niagara falls this week. i found niagara falls to be the highlight. i like nature, sue me. i thought it wouldn't be the most exciting part, but life surprises you. i guess i'll start with the most important stuff...my future prospects.

new york city is a great place to visit. to live in for the next 6 years? not so much. and everyone who lives there is so proud of it, and more power to them, but i don't see it. my interviews at columbia, st. john's, and adelphi went well, i think, and i may get one or all three positions for PhD programs, but i'm NOT going. i felt lethargic the whole time there, and all i wanted was good ol' northwest fresh air. hell, at that point, i'd take fresh air from an abandoned field in indiana. so, that leaves masters programs and the fellowships i applied for...oddly, im rooting for minnesota. i have a feeling its aesthetic will marry what i like about the pacific northwest and midwest. if i get into this program with a full ride, i'll visit after graduation to seal the deal. im also waiting on 3 other programs. fun times...figuring out the future, right? i guess.


( this is where i talk about the less serious times on my trip. but after contemplation, it becomes serious thoughts. )

I found another fun video from beirut. watch the guys playing ping pong, and one of them is playing the drums with his paddle.

this is my dream life: to be surrounded by an upright bass player, a violinist, a trumpet player, a drummer, a guitarist, an accordion player..okay, pretty much a whole instrument shop, as i walk around through life. i, of course, would be playing a tiny melodica. and i'd just sing. i mean, there'd be times that would get annoying. bathroom and shower time, of course. but just think about how wonderful that would be. i mean, having a violinist just wailing while you cook. or a trumpet solo as you walk down the street. this would be the best life.

a little secret? when im walking around with my ipod, i imagine this. and it's heaven.

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i love this. there's just something so raw about the simple lyrics, his gentle voice over elaborate instrumentation. and i bet the acoustics rocked in there.</div>

i write homage entries to many bands/acts, i realize this. but i feel like i need to express my love for dntel's life is full of possibilities. i love laptop pop or electronica or whatever the kids are calling it these days, and this album was what got it all started. funnily for me, it wasn't brian eno or kraftwerk (although i have to admit that when paul mccartney endorsed kraftwerk during my summer obsession of all things beatle in 8th grade, i checked out trans-europe express from the library. i don't think i had the musical maturity to appreciate it, at that point).

so, i was reading an article on multicultural competence (that i'm ripping apart because of its qualitative method and lack of quantitative method), and "suddenly is sooner than you think" comes on. this song starts so subtly, a whisper of vocals, lazy noise, a melodica, and then out of nowhere, you are surrounded by this wall of sound, and my heart just wrenches each time it reaches that point in the song. and this wall just stands there, tapering off, and the loops just continue...and i just get this feeling like that wall should never go away.

and some may think that i would have written this entry about "this is the dream of evan and chan". musically, i don't think this song holds a candle to "suddenly..."

and i just felt like i should share this thought. (i come home on wednesday! wooo!)

abraham maslow spoke of peak experiences, which are "profound moments of love, understanding, happiness, or rapture, when a person feels more whole, alive, self-sufficient and yet a part of the world, more aware of truth, justice, harmony, goodness..."

i love peak experiences. i usually have them at concerts, when the music is moving. i had one last night during cloud cult, and it was glorious. for me, the chances of peak experiences at concerts skyrockets if there's a live string section. i'm glad that the music is still alive for me. i was a bit scared, for it had gone stale for me months ago.

i was moved. and the secret is, i missed you after the peak experience ended. but i knew i was missing your former self, and not actually you, in the here and now. and that brought upon a twinge of sadness. because i knew that the old you would stand next to me as the sounds surrounded us, with our eyes closed, our hearts full of content. and i may never see that light in you, ever again.

there's a box full of mix tapes with titles you came up with / they can show us where we came from but not how to get back there / listening to the songs can't heal my broken fingers it's just weight for the anchor to keep your ship here

i am thankful for:
- new beginnings
- roomies
- friends all over the country
- family being healthy
- family situation uncomplicating itself (STAY THAT WAY!)
- music (WVFI, my new piano, and musical partnerships)
- faith
- opportunities to acquire knowledge
- YOU.

So, more stuff is coming out on eric whitacre's latest creation, an electronica opera, called paradise lost. it showed in LA during the summer, and it's been getting rave reviews from the musical folks. i really admire this composer, i mean, we sang a lot of his pieces when i did time in choir, and i was incredibly moved by each one. this guy has mastered the power of dissonance in choral music. its probably the reason why i didn't like choir at notre dame, because the pieces were TOO classical, and most of the composers from that time were afraid of the beauty of the musical tension that dissonance provides.

but i really don't know how i feel about paradise lost. apparently, it's suppose to be a mixture of trance, techno, and ambient. at first, i was excited. because it sounded like he was going somewhere new and incredibly innovative. but once sneak peaks of his opera came out, i was a bit...turned off? it seems like it's all overdone and extravagant.

i mean, if you want a sneak peak of what i'm talking about:


i mean, if paradise lost is showing nearby, i'll probably go, because i'm curious. but i'm not as excited anymore. i think the anime killed it for me.

but to end on a positive note, he added a new song to his myspace, called animal crackers, vol. 1. not-so-much of the dissonance that i've aforementioned, but its really entertaining.

i mean, the last verse goes like this:
"The firefly's flame,
is something for which science has no name.

I can think of nothing eerier,
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a person's posterior."

keep up the awesome choral works, whitacre.

i installed stumbleupon in august of last year (it was cool to see what i stumbled upon and liked over a year ago). and it was a big mistake. i was on that thing for hours. and i had no concept of time.

i was on the phone for like 3 hours this morning having a fun yet awkward conversation (those are the best, aren't they?). while on the phone, i loaded this lovely toolbar, again, because, well, it's fun!

and i missed morning mass. now, i have to go to the "sinner's mass", as terry mcfadden of the wndu news, called it. EVIL TOOLBAR.

and yet, i can't bring myself to unload it, again. good thing thanksgiving is coming up. i'll have all this free time to stumble like whoa.

i always get up at 5 am. i don't know why. regardless of how much sleep i've gotten at that point.

and what do i do? i do two of my favorite things...i get a bowl chocolate special k and i bang on my piano. and then, sometimes, i go to bed. if it weren't hellish today, i would be back in bed. but seeing as it is hellish today, i'm pouring through my memory textbook.

i've been reading about cryptomnesia lately. and it scares me. am i unconsciously writing a song that i heard before? is my thesis just a regurgitated mess from the research articles i've read? i've checked during procrastination time. and both hasn't happened this week.

on a totally random note, i love rachel's. it's good study music (sorry, polvo, you've been replaced. good luck on that reunion though). i just feel like i'm doing something important every time i listen and work to this amazing work of art. i have a friend who is going to walk down the aisle to "water from the same source" at her wedding. and yes, i gave her that idea. if i had all the money in the world, i'd even hire the orchestra to play it for her. but good ol' boombox will do the trick, just as well.

farewell, mates. i'm ready to tackle this day.

great music is being made. that is all you have to know.

thesis is not being written fast enough, though.